Well Mrs. Robin, thank you for agreeing to speak with me. It is “Mrs.”, correct?
I prefer Ms.
Ah ha. Well then. I see you’ve chosen an interesting spot for your nest. A front porch?
Yes, I built our nest here just three days ago.
You built it? You didn’t hire a contractor? So you’re one of those DIY Moms? Yes, I can see that now. It is lacking a bit of finesse. Is that mud? How exactly did you come to choose this location?
It’s a nice sturdy spot. There’s a great tree nearby for flight school, a large yard with lots of worms and several gardens in the neighborhood. I also think I spotted some berries in the back.
Mm hmm. Are you aware, that a dog lives in this house? Do you think it’s safe to raise young birds so close to such danger?
Um
And what about that bush there? Do the inhabitants of this house use pesticides? Is it poisonous? You’ve built your nest awfully close to it.
Well, I thought it would provide some nice shade.
And that post. It’s painted.
Yes, a lovely color but why do you…
You don’t suppose it’s low VOC do you? Have you had it tested for lead?
Low VO what?
Let’s move on shall we?
Sure
How old are you?
I’m one year old
ONE? Do you think you’re old enough to handle this? I mean, a baby is a lot of work. So you’re a teen mom? Are you trying to get on tv?
Our average lifespan is only two years. Technically I’m middle aged.
Oh… so you’re a mature mother. I see. I notice you’ve laid two eggs. Congratulations.
Oh thank you
And how exactly did you come by twins?
Pardon me?
Well it can’t have been natural. What types of fertility treatments have you been using?
No fertility treatments. I just laid two eggs. I was hoping for four or five.
Four or five?! And how do you expect to support them with no husband?
I never said I don’t have a husb
Are you planning on breast feeding?
Well, no.
No? You know breast is best…
I’m not a mammal. I don’t actually have breasts.
Aren’t you a red breasted Robin?
Well, yes but
Moving on… What will you feed them then?
Worms, caterpillars. Maybe some nice berries.
Certified Organic?
I think I’ll just choose whatever’s closest.
Worms will be awfully big for those little mouths to chew.
Oh I’ll chew it for them first then drop it into their mouths.
I’m sorry, I must have misheard you. I thought I’d heard you say you’d pre-chew their food.
You heard correctly.
Dear God, that’s rather earthy-crunchy. I’m surprised you’re not vegan. Although you do seem like you’d be the type of bird to buy into attachment parenting.
And after the babies are born what will you do?
We’ll stay in this nest for a bit but I should have them up and flying in two weeks
Two weeks! What are you a Tiger Robin? Don’t you think that’s rather pushy?
No it’s just how we do it around here. They’ll go off on their own after about four weeks and I’ll go back to work.
You’re prioritizing work? Is that really in their best interests? You can’t expect to build nests and forage for food with the same focus and determination you had before laying these eggs. You’re going to need help balancing this. What books are you reading? I see you’re planning on cosleeping. Will you be doing any other sleep training?
Books? I, uh
Yes, books. Written by doctors, experts, other smarter, more experienced birds. How will you know what to do?
I don’t need books to tell me what to do. I know what to do.
Of course you do sweetheart. But how will you know what’s really best to prepare them for their lives? How will you know what to feed them, or how much grass to put in the nest to keep them warm? Are you going to vaccinate? When will you let them eat strawberries? Will you circumcise your son? And what about discipline? Will you employ corporal punishment? Just how will you know, if you don’t listen to the experts?
But I am the expert. I’m a Robin. These are my eggs. I’m going to take care of my babies just as my instincts guide me. I know them better than anybird. When they’re hungry, I’ll feed them. When they’re cold, I’ll keep them warm. I’ll show them how to hunt for worms. When they are ready, I’ll teach them how to fly. Blue Jays may do it a little differently. Sparrows have their own way too. But we’re all just birds doing what we think is best for our own babies.
But what about..
I’m just a Mom. I will love them. The rest will just follow that.
I’ve not yet heard of this “Justa Mom”. Is it new?
You know, I heard that the Albatross pre-chews their babies’ food for a whole year. Can you imagine? Talk about a Helicopter bird!
Please go away.
The Adventures of Yum and Mimi 