A Snarky Mom interviews the Robin Nesting on my Front Porch

Well Mrs. Robin, thank you for agreeing to speak with me. It is “Mrs.”, correct?

I prefer Ms.

Ah ha. Well then. I see you’ve chosen an interesting spot for your nest. A front porch?

Yes, I built our nest here just three days ago.

You built it? You didn’t hire a contractor? So you’re one of those DIY Moms? Yes, I can see that now. It is lacking a bit of finesse. Is that mud? How exactly did you come to choose this location?

It’s a nice sturdy spot. There’s a great tree nearby for flight school, a large yard with lots of worms and several gardens in the neighborhood. I also think I spotted some berries in the back.

Mm hmm. Are you aware, that a dog lives in this house? Do you think it’s safe to raise young birds so close to such danger?

Um

And what about that bush there? Do the inhabitants of this house use pesticides? Is it poisonous? You’ve built your nest awfully close to it.

Well, I thought it would provide some nice shade.

And that post. It’s painted.

Yes, a lovely color but why do you…

You don’t suppose it’s low VOC do you? Have you had it tested for lead?

Low VO what?

Let’s move on shall we?

Sure

How old are you?

I’m one year old

ONE? Do you think you’re old enough to handle this? I mean, a baby is a lot of work. So you’re a teen mom? Are you trying to get on tv?

Our average lifespan is only two years. Technically I’m middle aged.

Oh… so you’re a mature mother. I see. I notice you’ve laid two eggs. Congratulations.

Oh thank you

And how exactly did you come by twins?

Pardon me?

Well it can’t have been natural. What types of fertility treatments have you been using?

No fertility treatments. I just laid two eggs. I was hoping for four or five.

Four or five?! And how do you expect to support them with no husband?

I never said I don’t have a husb

Are you planning on breast feeding?

Well, no.

No? You know breast is best…

I’m not a mammal. I don’t actually have breasts.

Aren’t you a red breasted Robin?

Well, yes but

Moving on… What will you feed them then?

Worms, caterpillars. Maybe some nice berries.

Certified Organic?

I think I’ll just choose whatever’s closest.

Worms will be awfully big for those little mouths to chew.

Oh I’ll chew it for them first then drop it into their mouths.

I’m sorry, I must have misheard you. I thought I’d heard you say you’d pre-chew their food.

You heard correctly.

Dear God, that’s rather earthy-crunchy. I’m surprised you’re not vegan. Although you do seem like you’d be the type of bird to buy into attachment parenting.
And after the babies are born what will you do?

We’ll stay in this nest for a bit but I should have them up and flying in two weeks

Two weeks! What are you a Tiger Robin? Don’t you think that’s rather pushy?

No it’s just how we do it around here. They’ll go off on their own after about four weeks and I’ll go back to work.

You’re prioritizing work? Is that really in their best interests? You can’t expect to build nests and forage for food with the same focus and determination you had before laying these eggs. You’re going to need help balancing this. What books are you reading? I see you’re planning on cosleeping. Will you be doing any other sleep training?

Books? I, uh

Yes, books. Written by doctors, experts, other smarter, more experienced birds. How will you know what to do?

I don’t need books to tell me what to do. I know what to do.

Of course you do sweetheart. But how will you know what’s really best to prepare them for their lives? How will you know what to feed them, or how much grass to put in the nest to keep them warm? Are you going to vaccinate? When will you let them eat strawberries? Will you circumcise your son? And what about discipline? Will you employ corporal punishment? Just how will you know, if you don’t listen to the experts?

But I am the expert. I’m a Robin. These are my eggs. I’m going to take care of my babies just as my instincts guide me. I know them better than anybird. When they’re hungry, I’ll feed them. When they’re cold, I’ll keep them warm. I’ll show them how to hunt for worms. When they are ready, I’ll teach them how to fly. Blue Jays may do it a little differently. Sparrows have their own way too. But we’re all just birds doing what we think is best for our own babies.

But what about..

I’m just a Mom. I will love them. The rest will just follow that.

I’ve not yet heard of this “Justa Mom”. Is it new?
You know, I heard that the Albatross pre-chews their babies’ food for a whole year. Can you imagine? Talk about a Helicopter bird!

Please go away.

Motherhood the Second Time Around: A Brief Retrospective

I feel very lucky to be a mom. I feel even luckier to be a mom of two healthy, happy kids. I’m still pretty new at this, Mimi’s only just three, so I haven’t screwed it up too badly yet. But there’s still time. Mother’s day has made me take inventory of all of the things I think I’m doing well and some of the things at which I am a massive failure. One thing that has struck me while thinking of these things is how I am different with each of my children. I’ve heard that a mom will be much more relaxed with her second child and be more apt to let things slide. What I didn’t know is how slippery of a slope that can be!

1st: You dropped your bottle on the floor! Let me get you a freshly sterilized one.
2nd: You dropped your bottle on the floor! Let me lick off the dirt.

1st: Oh look! You got your fourth tooth! Let me write that down. Fourth. Tooth. Tuesday, September 14, 2:37pm. Got it!
2nd: Ouch!! When did you get all those teeth??

1st: I will cook all of your baby food. No jars for you. Only fresh, organic food!
2nd: Finish this creamy corn casserole I got on sale and then let’s see if you can figure out how to suck the food out of this squeezy thing all by yourself.

1st: She’s crying! I’ll go get her! She can just sleep on my chest.
2nd: What? He’s crying? Again? Ok. Well he’s got to stop eventually, right? Let me just finish my wine.

1st: Let’s go take a tubby!
2nd: When did I last bathe you?

1: I want you to know that girls should have more than just pink.
2: I want you to know that pink can be a very masculine color…

1st: She’s crawling! Let me follow you around with my camera.
2nd: He’s crawling! Thank God! Now go get yourself that ball and chase it for a while.

1st: It’s your first birthday! Here’s your first taste of sugar!
2nd: How do five chocolate chip cookies for lunch sound?

1st: She can’t have a lollipop! She’ll choke!
2nd: He can’t have another lollipop. He’s already had two.

1st: No I haven’t put her down today, why do you ask?
2nd: Where on earth did I put him?

1st: I am doing this all wrong
2nd: I think I’m doing this right

1st: I am so lucky
2nd: I am so very very lucky

A Brief Meditation

After I dropped my daughter off at school this morning, my son fell asleep in his carseat. Rather than try to unsuccessfully transfer him to bed then spend the rest of the day trying to catch up on the lost nap, I’ve decided to sit with him in the car. It’s delightful. It’s a gray, rainy morning, I’m warm and toasty with my personalized heat settings. I’ve turned on the radio. I’ve just turned off the radio after hearing the same four songs on every station. And now I’m sitting in the quiet. I have coffee and a chocolate donut (I already ate the other chocolate one) and it is delightful.

This is my version of meditation. I wish I could meditate. I really do. I’ve tried a little. But there’s always that snarky devil on my shoulder whispering, “You’re meditating? Really? Isn’t that just sleeping sitting up?”. I’ve never been able to quiet and clear my mind. It seems it’s always a jumbled mess. When I was young, I had a terrible time falling asleep. I just couldn’t shut my head off. My mother gave me several ideas on how to try to get to sleep:
1)Say the alphabet backwards. I gave it a try but I would end up annoyed that W sounds like double U when really it looks like double V and I would vow to correct it in my own life by making my W’s curvy with no points from then on. (This annoyance would catch fire later in life after learning the Spanish alphabet and hearing the beautiful and image correct sounds of “doble-vey”). So the alphabet was out.
2)Try tensing each one of your muscles one at time from your toes to your nose
This stood no chance. I’d start with my toes and automatically my hands would get pissed I wasn’t getting to them fast enough and they’d make a fist. So I’d have to start over. I’d get as far as my knees and my shoulders would start shrugging followed by my toes wanting another stretch. Tensing in order just created a waiting room of impatient to-be-tensed muscles in my crowded mind. Muscles- out.
3)Take slow, deep breaths. Dear God this one was and still is a disaster. I have a strange aversion to thinking about the circulatory/respiratory systems. It makes me light headed and I’ve been known to faint. At the peak of my childhood insomnia, I was learning about these things in school. Science class was a daily exercise in head spinning and survival. I finally got around it by closing my ears and ferociously doodling about boys while my teacher explained it, then later teaching it to myself pretending it was all a giant train station. Taking deep breaths caused me great anxiety. Am I breathing at a regular rate? Do I have to? What if one breath is short and the other breath is long? Am I screwing up my heart rate? Am I getting enough oxygen in here? I think my nose is too close to the wall. Maybe I should open a window. But it’s freezing out. What happens if the temperature of the air changes? Does hot air make my heart beat faster than cold air? Have I breathed in the last thirty seconds? I can’t remember. Was it short or long? Oh my god I think my capillaries are going to explode. After seeing “The Karate Kid”, I tried the Mr. Miyagi breathing: hands in prayer, push up over head, down. Push out from the heart, back in. It just made my arms tired.
Breathing in and out? Out.

As an adult, I found my sleeping/relaxing problems worsen. It was as if by laying on the pillow, I was compressing a brain button that opened the lock on all thoughts and worries I’d stored up. And I let them all through, single file, marching from my brain, down my spine where they’d make stops to tie my muscles into knots and then settle in my belly for a camp out. In college I tried to relax by drinking and smoking cigarettes. Strangely, this didn’t work. I threw in running. This works well until I start thinking about my heart rate rising and my breath quickening (see above). Yoga is great until I get to shavasana. “Rest deeply” is more like think deeply about what I going to eat when I get home. But then I became a mom.

Now there is zero time for resting or relaxation. There’s no quiet space in which to practice meditation. If I sit or lie down, My daughter immediately sets out to climb me with her baby brother acting as her Sherpa guide. Running is something I do with the kids. A run these days is a few jogging steps then several stops to adjust the kids safety belts, check if one is asleep, give them snacks… If my heart rate does get up, I’m too busy to notice. Yoga is something I get to do once a week between getting dinner on the table and putting the kids to bed. But luckily, thankfully, when I climb into bed, I’m completely exhausted. I can fall asleep anywhere. Finally! I don’t get much of it, but in the spaces between babies waking, I sleep deeply. My mind is more full these days but it’s also more quiet and calm. My kids and the joy they bring, soothe me.

And every now and then a lovely pocket like this springs up. My son is still asleep, my coffee is still hot and my donuts were delicious. It turns out, that’s all I need today.